Liza Howard. Ultrarunning Mom.

 Ultrarunning Mom

Ennui complete

I’m feeling a lot less adrift this morning.  I am very grateful that I am able to stay home with Asa, — but sometimes the lack of excitement in the mom schedule wears on me.   Breakfast, tooth brushing, straightening up, bed making, laundry, pool going, playground playing, story reading, Lego building, dinner making, dish washing, bed.  Blessings all.  And I know it.  But some days it’s just not… energizing.  Feeling guilty about not feeling entirely satisfied does a nice job of reinforcing the ennui.

I puttered around last night after Asa went to bed until I finally climbed into bed around 10:30.  I halfheartedly picked up Atul Gawande’s book Better.  Chapter 2 reenergized me.

“People underestimate the importance of diligence as a virtue.  No doubt this has something to do with how supremely mundane it seems.  It is defined as “the constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken.”  There is a flavor of simplistic relentlessness to it.  And if it were an individual’s primary goal in life, that life would indeed seem narrow and unambitious.

Understood, however, as the prerequisite of great accomplishment, diligence stands as one of the most difficult challenges facing any group of people who take on tasks of risk and consequence.  It sets a high, seemingly impossible, expectation for performance and human behavior.”

Right.  So I have three things to be diligent about in the coming months.  (After being a good wife and mother.)  1.  Training for Javelina, Bandera and Rocky.  2. Course leading a Wilderness Medicine Expedition for Medical Professionals  in the Galiuro Wilderness in Arizona at the end of September.  3. Developing a trail running weekend/wilderness first aid course with Amanda McIntosh.  Happily all these endeavors will require notebooks and lists and maybe even countdown clocks.

I hope your day is filled with diligence and happiness.

Running: Day off

Pushups: 10,12,7,7,9

Core: 30 minutes

Legs (squats etc.) 15 minutes

Nutrition: (Yeah, not proud of the breakfast. If there’d been cold pizza in the fridge I would have gone for that.  Some days…)

  • Aaron Harrell

    Kudos to you for doing it. My wife and I talk about it, and she thinks being at home would drive her crazy. Part time would be okay though, especially now that we have two little ones. Keep up the good work, it’s okay to be ambitious. None of us are our parents.

    • Anonymous

      I would like to be more like my mom. So many things to work on…

  • lisa

    I would really love to do the Wilderness Medical training one day Liza. And of course it would be awesome to be in your class!. I need to check it out.

    You know, motherhood and all activities associated with it can be mundane. But I will tell you this, I do envy the moms who can stay at home. I am all over the place with school, work, running and raising a child. My husband does what he can but as a resident, well, you know. How I would love to wake up one day and ask my daughter if she wants to go swimming, or to the museum. But I suppose in everything we do we have to find some sort of worth in it right?

    I hope all your training goes well for you!

    • Anonymous

      Lisa, I just spent half an hour crafting a response to your comment and cyberspace ate it.  It was heartfelt, pretty well written, and about the length of a book .  Oh well.  
      Basically I just wanted to tell you I know I’m blessed to have the time I do with Asa.  And I’m humbly grateful for the choice I have to work quarter-time.  I do find great worth in the “mundane” of mothering — and great pleasure.  Most days.   But knowing I ought to be mindful and appreciative doesn’t mean I always am.  Sometimes I count the hours until Eliot gets home.  It’s a character flaw certainly.  And I know this must sound obnoxious to anyone who doesn’t have the mothering luxury I do right now.  It’s like complaining about having to reschedule the maid because new furniture is being delivered.  But I also think a lot of stay-at-home moms struggle with an unreasonable expectation of 24/7 happiness.  So I figured it’d be worthwhile to write about my feelings — as unadmirable as they are.  My sister told me once that it doesn’t make sense for an adult to want to socialize exclusively with a child.  And Asa and I have been a bit exclusive lately.  In any event, I am working on bringing what I ought to feel about spending a hot and humid afternoon with my boy closer to what I’m actually been feeling as the summer rages on.  And I’m also trying to cut myself a little slack.  (Hard to believe my original response was longer, eh?)
      I wish you could come to the class/camp.  It’d be so fun.

      • Lisa

        Oh my goodness Liza. Please, I know that staying at home has its issues also! I am certainly not a PollyAnna, and from what I read, you are a superb mother! But we all were our own people before marriage and before kids. I do not come from the give-up-your-life-for-husband-kids camp! It is very difficult to conversate with children all day. Sometimes I have to tell Ruby to just “hush” because I just can’t put a complete thought together!
        What I try to work on is taking care of my needs first and then Ruby’s needs. That way I am a much happier person. And about counting the minutes until hubby comes home? As soon as I hear my husband come home I am out the door for my run! Most times I am so compassion fatigued from work that it takes great effort to even pay attention to my husband!
        I certainly don’t think you are a complainer by any means!!! Happiness and satisfaction with life 24/7 is not only abnormal, it is unattainable. Your feelings are totally legitimate and yours alone to feel so please don’t think I look down on that at all.

        When I finally finish this darn BSN, I definitely want to look at Wilderness medicine!

        • Anonymous

          “Superb” is a stretch. :) But I’m pretty satisfied I haven’t given him too much to go over with a psychoanalyst — yet. Nothing like parenting to force you towards mindfulness and compassion.
          How’s the training go for the December run?

          • Lisa

            It’s going ok Liza, thanks for asking! I do 20 miles tomorrow. I have a friend running the first 10 with me so that will be nice. Because of stress, I have been slacking on my weekly runs but I am determined to get refocused!
            I did get a Nathan hydration pack and I like it! Still working out my eating and electrolytes. I do think it’s getting better.
            Going to Phoenix again to be with Dad for surgery. I won’t be doing over 5 miles in that heat!!!
            It will be such a blast to meet in in December. Hope I can make it. : )

          • Anonymous

            Same! I hope your dad’s surgery goes very well.

    • Anonymous

      And thank you for the reminder Lisa. :) I hope the right tone came through in my response. The Lisa-is-totally-right-to-call-me-out-and-I-don’t-want-her-to-think-I’m-too-horrible-a-person-despite-my-character-flaws tone.

  • John

    How strange. Reading your post, I was thinking; the grass is always greener…
    As others mentioned, I long to be able to take time to be with those especially close to me or just do nothing. As you know, mine are grown and it’s pretty special when they make themselves available. I’m really beginning to enjoy sitting with them over coffee and just listening. I’m also working on my own form of meditation. Taking time to live in the moment.

    I believe a solo trip to Big Bend might be in my future before the year ends.

    • Anonymous

      I’m working on being more mindful John. And I think I do a pretty good job on the whole. I know I’ll look back and feel embarrassed that I wasn’t able to revel in every Asa moment, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do struggle to really appreciate that fourth game of Chites and Ladders at 4 in the
      afternoon when it’s 102 degrees
      outside. Not yet entirely enlightened. Maybe next year.

  • Chip Thompson

    I am a stay at home Dad (by choice) and I understand the day to day challenge. I consider myself very lucky and fortunate that I am in this position, but it does wear on me. My kids are 8 (twins) and are in school during the day. I got a taste of what you go thru when they were at home all summer. Entertaining them, especially in this heat, while getting my training in (IM Kona and Cactus Rose 50) was not easy. Now that they are in school, I find the balance of time to myself and time with them once they get off the bus to be the perfect mix. I too count the hours until my wife gets home!

    • Anonymous

      I only feel badly about the hour counting on the days when I start before noon. :)
      See you at Cactus Rose then. Eliot, Asa and I will be helping out at Crossroads. I kind of want to run the relay so I can get one of those puzzle belt buckles.